Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
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My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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