I wish I could teleport
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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