How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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