totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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