These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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