his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
