I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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