I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
