My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
