I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
