Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
