ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
