If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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