my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
