Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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