Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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