Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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