Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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