I'm so fucking centered right now
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize