goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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