I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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