I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
