afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
