I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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