His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
