my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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