My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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