I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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