My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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