I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
