She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
