I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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