Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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