Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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