I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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