I could make wine with my vomit
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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