i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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