Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
