I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
