but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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