Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
