Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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