My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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