Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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