Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
