So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
