i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
