so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
