I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just forgot I was standing up.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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