If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
