I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just blew my weed a kiss
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
