I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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