When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
