if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
