Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
