Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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